Horray! Yes. It's almost summer! (Sarcastic voice) don't get me wrong, I love summer, all of my favorite tv shows are on during the winter and then I spend all of my spring, reflecting/ reliving them via YouTube and netflix so when summer finally does come around it's very safe for me to go outside. But What I don't like most about this season, is wearing a bikini, To clarify, it’s not that I have a tlc special titled “my 400lb life" it’s just that I’ve been in this medium body space for the past few years where people don’t necessarily notice if I lose a few pounds or if I go on an in and out binge for a whole week... Or a month. Or two months. Not to mention that the whole concept of being half naked around random weirdos/ family members is a little creepy for me. trust me when I say that if they were to create a robe or a snuggie, that you were able to go swimming in, I would be the first one to pay for it. But until then, here are some of the things I wear to shield off the random weirdos/creepy neighbors and loud mouth family members...
HUGE FUCKING SUNGLASSES
God forbid someone you know actually does see you from a safe distance in your bikini, this will make them question, if what they're seeing is even you, with those ridiculous things on your face. You're welcome.
A MORMAN SLUTTY SISTER WIFE BIKINI COVER UP
An essential for anyone with unclear body issues. I got mine for half off the half off price at Windsor I suggest you get one too.
A HUGE UMBRELLA
strictly for those times when you are in a dark place but still want to go out and enjoy summer but not be seen all at the same time.
A PALE GIRLS BFF
Aka self tanner, I tend to splurge because In my mind I'm albino and I just can't be looking that way out on the beach and at any place else in my life.
And then some of the don'ts...
Belly button rings
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Whatever you do, do NOT get a bellybutton ring. This is not the Circus tour, this is real life.
I wish I could think of a few more "don'ts" at the beach, but honestly there's just nothing more terrifying then that one.
