Labor Day

I’m not one who expresses any sort of emotion towards any holiday unless it's Memorial Day but that's only because it falls on the same weekend as my birthday. But I decided to do this blog post on Labor Day strictly because I personally welcome Fall with open arms. To me, Labor Day signifies the end of boob sweat and the beginning of fur season. What’s not to love about that? Here are my Do’s and Don’ts for your weekend.

Don’t: Celebrate Labor Day at all. It’s so…American/pedestrian.

Do: wear all black. 

Don’t: Go to The river. It’s going to be a crowded nightmare and the thought of you being part of that mess gives me anxiety. 

Do: be somewhat festive by searching Labor Day on netflix and watching whatever comes up.

Don’t:  Forget to apply sunscreen. Wrinkles and looking like tan mom is never ok.

Don’t: open any of the story's on snapchat. Too dark.

Do: Remember that when you drink anything besides skinny margaritas you're trying to get obese.

Do: watch Kim's wedding strictly for Kanyes appearance. 

Don’t: watch rich kids of Beverly Hills. 

Do: go back and watch rich kids of Beverly Hills for a minute only to check if the blonde chick got a nose job and then continue with anything else that's on tv.

Do: Gather up all your crop tops and have a bonfire in your backyard.

Do: Throw any and all memories of any summer fling into that bonfire Now.

Guide to looking 20 and not 82..

A few weeks ago I ran into someone who I went to high school with, she was on crack, I don't know where you get crack 
at, living in the suburbs but she managed to find a way, Clearly her skin journey and herself were both not in a great place either which got me thinking is 23 really the year where we just let ourselves go? Are fine lines and wrinkles literally right around the damn corner? And are we all just destined to transform and have our bodys shaped just like our mothers? Which wouldn't be that dark In my case, but for others I pray for.

With all that said It’s time to get real with ourselves. Look in the mirror right now and tell yourself that you’re tired of never being carded when you go out, even though your personality is a vibrant and youthful 20 something, the wrinkles on your forehead are saying 52. Take a deep cleansing yoga breath and tell yourself you’re ready to get serious. I know  its exhausting,  I really hate confrontation too, especially with myself... 

Steps to getting serious.

1. Night cream

This gem will take care of any oiliness, fine lines, or pores that hopefully you didn’t even have in the first place.  Now you can safely walk around outside without looking 90.

2. alcohol bloat is a real thing

Sure ordering 10 Long Island iced teas, 5 margaritas (not skinny girl), and then finishing it off with a Mudslide from tgi Fridays happy hour  is all fun and stuff but when I see people doing this on a weekly basis, I'm concerned. 

3. Shopping at dress barn

Stop. Just stop. Were in our 20s not 41.

& I'm done...

Namaste<3

****** the pictures with the dress barn girls are real people off Instagram, not models. I really hope they read this.

Feng shui

This morning, I was rudely awakened in the middle of my REM cycle (according to my iPhone sleep tracker app) things have been so crazy lately, that not even taking in, a few deep cleansing yoga breaths, my yoga instructor suggested for me to do when Life calls for me to be in such dark places could ease dark situations like waking up early, or going to work, or the worst of them all, being interrupted by a news broadcast while I'm trying to watch Wendy Williams. When Everything is going so wrong it's good to know that there's a guy like ken lauher out there, Ken is real deep into feng shui, he even has a YouTube channel dedicated to it ..

http://youtu.be/-r8DWNbJtzI

Before feng shui kens life was very depressing. He hated his job. He was single as fuck And also got robbed at gunpoint for $7. I know it's kind of hilarious but I doubt that he saw it that way. 

Now I'm not about to go out and buy a whole new decor for my room so I incorporated earthy shit I already had and am hoping for good vibes so dramatic days like this don't ever occur again.

Candles.

No one fucking loves candles as much as I fucking love candles, Ken says that candles invoke the energy of purification and inspiration so let's just go with that, even though the real reason I have them out, is because nothing is better then anything and everything from bath and body works, NOTHING.

Books

Ken claims the bed room is to sleep and make love, thus too many books simply bring down that energy and cause you to be restless and single forever. But hellooo some books written by Lauren Conrad and Rachel Zoe were just born to be seen out in the open

Unclear rock.

I think I may have stolen this crystal (rock) on accident at some place in time, or maybe my dog gifted it to me while we were on a hike somewhere or maybe I did pay full price for it after seeing spencer pratts crystal collection on celebrity wife swap,  I'm not sure about any of that. I can only hope that this makes up for me denying kens book rule.

Nameste Amanda 

getting a real job is a journey..

Interviews can be very stressful, Right now I'm in the process of finding a job that will make me challenge myself more then just answering the phone with a total bitch face yet sounding very pleasant while I'm doing it, also there's a whole lot of personal online shopping via the work computer and reapplying my makeup before customers come in and start harassing me, it's very exhausting at times but it's at the point now, where I would really like to challenge myself even more by having sort of a real job, so I've been going on a few interviews lately and what I've discovered is that a lot of places have this thing called "group interviews" as If speaking in front of a bitch isn't hard enough you have to sell your soul in front of a group of random people you'll never again see in your life, I had no idea this was even a real thing In this world, but trust, It is and it is absolutely terrifying! Here are my tips to help you survive without getting bloated or having a panic attack. 

Take Curcumin

 Curcumin is a natural Xanax I learned about on the dr. Oz show, an absolute must for when life calls for you to be in dark places such as a group interviews/ waiting on very non-important text messages, from people you're borderline obsessed with/ any holiday that involves being with your whole family. Basically I take this stuff all of the time and it does wonders for me.

Do bitch face

But only to that one asshole who truely deserves it the most, this person normally has about a million hours of extra activities revolving around church and volunteering at the nursing home when it's so clear that they are a horrible person who only does this sort of stuff because they're on probation for assault charges, I like to sit directly across from him/her and stare at them without blinking so that they loose all focus and stfu.

Do go into depth as to why you're no longer working at your past jobs.. 

I like to make up very dramatic stories of how/ why I no longer I work at those places any more, most of those stories are about the companies getting shut down because of the Feds (really, who's going to question that) or about how I'm a free spirit, who needs lots of time off to cleanse and renew my soul or that some of my other managers were the anti Christ and not on board with all of that so I quit because let's be real no one should be subjected to that negative energy on the daily..

***side note  I have never gotten anything out of a group interview no call back, no second interview, NOTHING, so take this advice with a grain of salt

But in all honesty just take some deep cleansing yoga breaths, dress cute and be the best version of your ratchet self and you'll do great. Namaste. 

Pool & beach essentials

Horray! Yes. It's almost summer! (Sarcastic voice) don't get me wrong, I love summer, all of my favorite tv shows are on during the winter and then I spend all of my spring, reflecting/ reliving them via YouTube and netflix so when summer finally does come around it's very safe for me to go outside. But What I don't like most about this season, is wearing a bikini, To clarify, it’s not that I have a tlc special titled “my 400lb life" it’s just that I’ve been in this medium body space for the past few years where people don’t necessarily notice if I lose a few pounds or if I go on an in and out binge for a whole week... Or a month. Or two months. Not to mention that the whole concept of being half naked around random weirdos/ family members is a little creepy for me. trust me when I say that if they were to create a robe or a snuggie, that you were able to go swimming in, I would be the first one to pay for it. But until then, here are some of the things I wear to shield off the random weirdos/creepy neighbors and loud mouth family members...

HUGE FUCKING SUNGLASSES

God forbid someone you know actually does see you from a safe distance in your bikini, this will make them question, if what they're seeing is even you, with those ridiculous things on your face. You're welcome.  

A MORMAN SLUTTY SISTER WIFE BIKINI COVER UP

An essential for anyone with unclear body issues. I got mine for half off the half off price at Windsor I suggest you get one too. 

A HUGE UMBRELLA

strictly for those times when you are in a dark place but still want to go out and enjoy summer but not be seen all at the same time. 

A PALE GIRLS BFF

Aka self tanner, I tend to splurge because In my mind I'm albino and I just can't be looking that way out on the beach and at any place else in my life.

And then some of the don'ts...

Belly button rings 

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Whatever you do, do NOT get a bellybutton ring. This is not the Circus tour, this is real life.

I wish I could think of a few more "don'ts" at the beach, but honestly there's just nothing more terrifying then that one.

 

Things to consider before going to la fitness..

When it comes to working out, I'm all for yoga. But then there are times when the thought of having to get onto the 91 freeway makes me so angry and flustered that no matter how much meditation/ yoga therapy I do that morning, It will throw off my whole zen vibe for the entire day. With that said, occasionally I am forced to go to la fitness. You know the home of mysterious odors and house music. I’m all for people getting in shape and doing whatever to make themselves feel better, but there are certain gym behaviors that make me cringe, here are just some of them to name a few..

A. Jeans and denim shorts throw off the entire gym aesthetic for everyone. Go take a nature walk outside and as for the girl that checked you in, she clearly has no respect for anyone but herself and needs a new profession.

B. camel toe. Figure it out, girls. If some of us don’t exhibit a full frontal wedge, then none of us need to.

C. People that try to communicate with me while I'm on the treadmill. Just know that as you're talking to me all I can think about is how much Sweating makes me antisocial and i'd rather eat dirt then have you look at me right now. 

D. These.

E. Dirty old clothes are not gym clothes. I'll admit that It took me awhile to understand that this look is absolutely not ok. So get your shit together like I did.

F. When i see People that workout without any headphones on. A million questions run through my mind. What are you even thinking about? Can you hear me heavy breathing? Is the house music they're playing in here so good, you left your headphones at home on purpose? I doubt it.

Ugh, I’m gonna stop for now, but I’ll be thinking about this all night.