Two day some what juice cleanse

Hey guys so I know I haven't been posting much lately, and it's not because I'm dead or in a rehab facility. I've actually been  busy with work, reading "I didn't come here to make friends" written by that one chick everyone hated from the bachelor, which is a fucking amazing book everyone needs to read, also have been going on a lot of nature walks while listening to molly macaleers podcast plzadvise, which btw she has this boyfriend with a very sexual voice that comes on it every now and then, I guess he created the show drunk history and a lot people love it, I've yet to watch, but whenever I hear him speak about it, I like what I'm hearing, so I guess Its a good thing teen mom 2 is ending and I can start watching that instead. Clearly Things are going very good for me and because things are going so great I love to reward myself by torturing myself with a 2 day juice cleanse, I'm pretty sure if I went any longer then that I'd break into a chick fill a on a Sunday. I decided to document this experience in case anyone else would ever want to torture themselves as well...

Day 1.

 For breakfast I had green tea and tricked myself into thinking I was full. 

Lunch I made a smoothie and then a few hrs later I made the same smoothie because I lack diversity. 

Dinner

I had panda, I'm not very proud of this moment, but when someone gifts it to you and you have no self control when it comes to food to begin with, it's hard to say no.

Day 2. 

After my epic dinner fail, I started the next day with some black tea with a side of watching Carrie on netflix which was boring and dark, mostly dark. 

Just a few hrs later I made this green smoothie, it was gross but I really wanted to prove to myself that I could be one with nature and my body so I drank it unwillingly....

And then I ended up binge eating at pf changs.

Namaste.

Oh yea and also Me and court are basically bffs now.

Lindsay I'm done.

If you've been living under a rock and weren't already aware Lindsay Lohan got a "docu-series" on own. It's basically the worst show ever, so needless to say I'm obsessed

Here are just some of the highlights from this season..

Oprah cusses

 I wish I was kidding, but I'm not, when Oprah tells you to "Cut the bull shit" and you don't, there's no hope for you at all.

Hoarder problems

Lindsay has the biggest storage unit I've ever seen, like you could literally get lost inside there and NEVER be found for the rest of your life.

Chain smoking real ness 

No exaggeration when I saw Lindsay digging cigs out of her Valentino purse and start chain smoking, as she was trying on all of her fur coats, inside her apartment, I found it to be So chic and wanted to buy a pack of marlboro lights stat! But then I started reflecting on where she is in her life and where I'm at in my life and all of a sudden it just got super dark, so I decided to not go down that same path. 

Dina Lohan is hot?

Even though she's bat shit crazy (YouTube her dr. Phil interview and you'll see) she looks a hell of a lot better then her daughter 

Lindsay is anti wearing bras 

Throughout the season Lindsay has refused to put on a bra on and this might just bother me the most over anything she's ever done so far.

Nashville

There was a quick minute not too long ago when I absolutely refused to sit down and spend my valuable time to watch Nashville, despite the fact that every person I know would tell me that it's the best show on earth, but to me There was absolutely nothing appealing about it.

Little girl from remember the titans, now grown up (Hayden Panettiere)=no. 

Country music=unclear.

Tennessee= teen mom.

But then out of pure boredom, one day, I caved and after the very first episode I became So THIRSTY for it.

Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg,Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg,Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg,Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg,Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg,Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, Omg, ok so It’s less about living in some hick state out in the middle of nowhere and more about people's journeys with their identities, sexuality and bank accounts. It's So great.

Since I started watching I've gotten very serious (in my mind) with one of the characters on the show, Deacon Claybourne, He Might seem like an obvious choice, but it’s not like that. He’s really complicated and deep and if he met me he'd for sure put a ring on it. Trust.

A message to Lena Dunham and my dentist but mostly to Lena...

I won't say that this weekend was the worst weekend of all bad weekends that any human could ever experience but I will. I mean I saw the dentist and he did very grotesque things involving the state of my teeth which he claimed were for my benefit, but in my mind he did it because he enjoys torturing me, not only that, he left me looking like the bear emoji on the I phone 5s And when he told me to come back in a week I told him I needed a longer break after this tragic experience. Since seeing him, I've  refused to leave the house. And started watching girls on hbo which I've been told by many people is a show I would like but after watching a marathon of it all weekend I now feel that those people that said that are not people that I need in my life any more. It’s not that I hate Lena Dunham. honest tits, I don’t hate how loud and outspoken she is, and Those horrible outfit choices she comes up with are not something I would wear on my body stature but she was on the cover of vogue wearing them, not me and In all honesty I appreciate how brave she is for getting naked in every scene of her show and wearing an extra small bikini whenever the time calls for one, which seems to be a lot. 

So Lena, if you’re reading, please know that your character in girls is like many people on the government watch list in this world, but Not me, NOT ME!

& now I have a girl crush on Ellen page..

I'll be honest, I haven't always been on board with Ellen page, I mean of course I liked her in Juno. Flashback to when Shawn from degrassi played a very agressive bro in the school hallway, as her and Michael Cera wabbled past him. But there was more to that movie then just that, her character voluntarily gave birth to something that could potentially be the next Lindsay Lohan and then handed it over to Jennifer garner like it was nothing and then at the very end of the movie they were sitting on someone's porch, making the randomest music ever which people I know actually went out and bought the soundtrack for (unclear). 

Months or maybe years later, i don't really know. I just took some circumin (Google it) she was in this very dark movie, called "An American Crime" it was so dark I saw it twice, once at my friends house with her cats that I'm allergic too, the other while I was vacationing in Lake Tahoe with my family in a resort with no service for 10 days. Clearly both situations were not that great, so that's probably why I remember blowing my nose into a used tissue while ugly crying, my heart out, so many times.

And then out of the nowhere, she came into my life again in this video. It starts out slow and then WHAM "IM GAY!!" I couldn't believe it, but then I could, but then I couldn't. Whatever the point is I'm sorry for thinking you were a freak on your interview on Chelsea lately, I'm sorry For unliking your Facebook page after I watched that interview, I mean it was pretty bad can you blame me? I'll go like it again. And last Even after all of the emotions you've put me through, I'm so happy for you and I can't wait to see what kind of lesbians you're into, crossing my fingers it's not the tila tequila kind and more of a Portia de Rossi (beautiful and doesn't say shit) kind.

 

A MESSAGE TO FARRAH ABRAHAM

Dear not so basic bitch,
Today i was watching a clip of the new season of couples therapy and you were sitting on some very chic couch somewhere in Beverly Hills looking directly at the camera and crying. Normally when i come across something like this, i do the following: screech inwardly with excitement, then save it on my desktop. I might eventually text it to someone i know with the text saying"LOL' or "This asshole." However, today's reaction was much different. I felt no joy at your expense. I actually felt sad. Did you hear that Farrah? Seeing you like this made me sad. So sad, in fact, that i teared up and now i feel the need to write about it in a blog.

When i first found out about your existence, it was on a new show called "16 and pregnant" and you were 8 months pregnant and still a size zero, needless to say I was intrigued. By the time you started looking at wedding rings for yourself with your boyfriend of three weeks on teen mom, I was hooked on you and your bat shit crazy behavior. Since then youve gotten a DUI, made a sex tape with James Deen (lindsey lohans costar in the canyons/ porn actor) gotten your boobs done twice, made a mold of your vagina while making the scariest face ever, wrote a book titled "My Teenage Dream Ended" with baby soph on the cover, got a nose job and dated a white dj.
Clearly I have sort of become obsessed with you over the years, but at the same time, i also cant stand you. There was a time when teen mom ended that you weren't on the radar anymore, and i'll speak for the whole entire world and say we all didnt care about your well-being. We all didn't want you to die necessarily, Just noone would care if you did. But it's as if you never left you're on my tv once again and in a darker place then when you called the cops on your mom for throwing an mtv t shirt at baby soph, so hopefully with all of this "therapy" you can find love and maybe just maybe, leave the show with a new job ie; nanny for all of John Goslings kids.