Starbucks realness

It's September aka the beginning of psl season. I'm at Starbucks and psl isn't in my cup. I went too hard over the weekend and my bank account is at Jon Hamm (pre mad men, obvi) level and I refuse to spend whatever money I have on a spice mother fucking late. Instead I ordered an iced green tea sweetened with vanilla preparing an answer in my head if anyone were to question me for going with this cheap Ass drink. 

Starbucks is my sacred place. I vibe off hipsters and studious teens with apple products to make me feel whole when I'm feeling dark. It's a place I can come to reevaluate my life choices when I see someone freak the fuck out when their gold stars aren't scanning or watch someone verbally abuse the part time barista for butchering the spelling of their name as if it's "Sharmane" and they spell it out "Charmaign". I'd just like to say to that person don't be mad at the barista, be mad at yourself for being over 18 and not going to the dmv and demand that they change it to "trish"  or something impossible to fuck up. This is getting too dark, I should probably fuck with coffee bean instead.

Namaste 

Amanda

Things to consider before going to la fitness..

When it comes to working out, I'm all for yoga. But then there are times when the thought of having to get onto the 91 freeway makes me so angry and flustered that no matter how much meditation/ yoga therapy I do that morning, It will throw off my whole zen vibe for the entire day. With that said, occasionally I am forced to go to la fitness. You know the home of mysterious odors and house music. I’m all for people getting in shape and doing whatever to make themselves feel better, but there are certain gym behaviors that make me cringe, here are just some of them to name a few..

A. Jeans and denim shorts throw off the entire gym aesthetic for everyone. Go take a nature walk outside and as for the girl that checked you in, she clearly has no respect for anyone but herself and needs a new profession.

B. camel toe. Figure it out, girls. If some of us don’t exhibit a full frontal wedge, then none of us need to.

C. People that try to communicate with me while I'm on the treadmill. Just know that as you're talking to me all I can think about is how much Sweating makes me antisocial and i'd rather eat dirt then have you look at me right now. 

D. These.

E. Dirty old clothes are not gym clothes. I'll admit that It took me awhile to understand that this look is absolutely not ok. So get your shit together like I did.

F. When i see People that workout without any headphones on. A million questions run through my mind. What are you even thinking about? Can you hear me heavy breathing? Is the house music they're playing in here so good, you left your headphones at home on purpose? I doubt it.

Ugh, I’m gonna stop for now, but I’ll be thinking about this all night.

Hot yoga?

This morning, I met up with a friend at "its a grind" which is a great place, if you're 22 going on 40.  Right when I saw her I noticed that she was glowing. Like her skin was literally radiating light. Not only that, but she was also getting checked out by every single guy who walked by us, and she seemed freakishly centered and happy, which is insane for someone who had just ordered coffee with 12 Splendas, a cake pop, and a bagel with cream cheese and jam. When I demanded to know what the hell was going on with her, she gave me this devious smile like she had just started her period, after a pregnancy scare.

Soon after interrogating her and not getting any answers We started arguing. I called her toxic, she called me Amanda Bynes, and I was about to lose my shit on her until she finally owned up to why she was in such an annoying good place! Her answer was that she’d just came from "hot yoga" and that it had completely changed her life/skin. I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about, the only yoga I've ever experienced is from a Julian michaels DVD I got on sale on Black Friday or at la fitness when I don't feel like sweating (which is always). I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I've never heard of such a thing, instead I told her that I watched an episode of dr. Oz and he said  that doing too much of that can make your hair fall out and lead you to stubborn belly fat. after our dramatic coffee date I went to go sit in my mercury coug to do some Googling. Turns out Hot yoga stands for “doing simple yoga poses in a room that's a million degrees" so if you're comfortable with sweating in front of a bunch of other human beings, which I am not. Then you'll love this. Or else I suggest seeing Teresa, who is this super zen yoga teacher at la fitness that always speaks to me in inspirational Pinterest quotes. Namaste.

fitness?

 Do you wake up in the morning, wishing that your legs were as small as they were back in 2001? Do you want to freak me out? Do you believe everything bill rancic says on "America "Now"" (I used two quotes because, let's be real America now is always a year or more behind) If you answered “yes” to all three of these questions, then you’ll love this new trend that's going around in which men and woman are referring to as "the most beautiful thing ever".

It's called the inner thigh gap (itg). Besides the fact that it makes me cringe, freak out, cry, freak out again, yell at my Mom for giving me body issues, and then emotionally eat until I'm in a food coma. It's just not a good look for me, or you, your best friend, your boyfriend, your ex boyfriend, my boyfriend (Leonardo dicaprio) ex boyfriend (rob kardashian 2009) basically no one. 

http://youtu.be/vyvbm6qpQw4

So please take my advise and let's all just watch people magazines most beautiful woman Alive circa 2013 (and always) gwenyth Paltrow and Tracy Anderson's workout series on YouTube and forget the itg epidemic ever existed. And let's all aspire to be gwenyth. Because clearly she can do no wrong, except in shallow hall. That was not her best role and "thanks for sharing" wasn't great either but pink was her costar and was a super bad ass sex addict so can I really be mad? I can't.