Things to consider before going to la fitness..

When it comes to working out, I'm all for yoga. But then there are times when the thought of having to get onto the 91 freeway makes me so angry and flustered that no matter how much meditation/ yoga therapy I do that morning, It will throw off my whole zen vibe for the entire day. With that said, occasionally I am forced to go to la fitness. You know the home of mysterious odors and house music. I’m all for people getting in shape and doing whatever to make themselves feel better, but there are certain gym behaviors that make me cringe, here are just some of them to name a few..

A. Jeans and denim shorts throw off the entire gym aesthetic for everyone. Go take a nature walk outside and as for the girl that checked you in, she clearly has no respect for anyone but herself and needs a new profession.

B. camel toe. Figure it out, girls. If some of us don’t exhibit a full frontal wedge, then none of us need to.

C. People that try to communicate with me while I'm on the treadmill. Just know that as you're talking to me all I can think about is how much Sweating makes me antisocial and i'd rather eat dirt then have you look at me right now. 

D. These.

E. Dirty old clothes are not gym clothes. I'll admit that It took me awhile to understand that this look is absolutely not ok. So get your shit together like I did.

F. When i see People that workout without any headphones on. A million questions run through my mind. What are you even thinking about? Can you hear me heavy breathing? Is the house music they're playing in here so good, you left your headphones at home on purpose? I doubt it.

Ugh, I’m gonna stop for now, but I’ll be thinking about this all night.

& now I have a girl crush on Ellen page..

I'll be honest, I haven't always been on board with Ellen page, I mean of course I liked her in Juno. Flashback to when Shawn from degrassi played a very agressive bro in the school hallway, as her and Michael Cera wabbled past him. But there was more to that movie then just that, her character voluntarily gave birth to something that could potentially be the next Lindsay Lohan and then handed it over to Jennifer garner like it was nothing and then at the very end of the movie they were sitting on someone's porch, making the randomest music ever which people I know actually went out and bought the soundtrack for (unclear). 

Months or maybe years later, i don't really know. I just took some circumin (Google it) she was in this very dark movie, called "An American Crime" it was so dark I saw it twice, once at my friends house with her cats that I'm allergic too, the other while I was vacationing in Lake Tahoe with my family in a resort with no service for 10 days. Clearly both situations were not that great, so that's probably why I remember blowing my nose into a used tissue while ugly crying, my heart out, so many times.

And then out of the nowhere, she came into my life again in this video. It starts out slow and then WHAM "IM GAY!!" I couldn't believe it, but then I could, but then I couldn't. Whatever the point is I'm sorry for thinking you were a freak on your interview on Chelsea lately, I'm sorry For unliking your Facebook page after I watched that interview, I mean it was pretty bad can you blame me? I'll go like it again. And last Even after all of the emotions you've put me through, I'm so happy for you and I can't wait to see what kind of lesbians you're into, crossing my fingers it's not the tila tequila kind and more of a Portia de Rossi (beautiful and doesn't say shit) kind.

 

Reasons why you should go see the wolf of Wall Street

1. Leo is hot

Even though he darkened the absolute shit out of his eyebrows It’s way better then seeing Django Unchained face Leo, who had that whole scary racist with a bad facial hair/teeth scenario going on. And who also gave me reoccurring nightmares till I saw him in gatsby And okay, Fine!  Leo was classically hot in that too, but he was a little too deep. I want “rich hot asshole Leo,” and The Wolf of Wall Street is giving that all to me.

2. Mathew Mcconaughey is in it

Matthew McConaughey’s career is insane. Everyone was on board with him after watching "how to loose a guy in 10 days" and then Ghosts of Girlfriends fucking Past happened. Omg I Seriously just can't with that movie. It wasn't until I saw his dance moves in Magic Mike where I felt like I could I trust him once again.

3. Jonnah hills body stature

Jonnah a lot of people are talking, about how do you get to be size zero/ crazy juice cleanse Jonnah in money ball to where you are at this point in your life, you know this, I know this. I for one do not have a problem with this though, I myself see you as the white male oprah when it comes to fluctuating body weight. Which should be an inspiration to white fat men everywhere. What weighs heavier on my soul then all of your extra poundage though, is your teeth? I'm still very unclear if they were fake throughout the movie or if you really went the distance to pull a Snooki poluzi and buy yourself some new venires..

4. Margot Robbie?

Ok really who are you? You look a hell of a lot like Sharon stone, but you can't be. Btw where is Sharon? I miss her a lot. I digress, When I saw Margot Robbie in The Wolf of Wall Street, I immediately got Sharon Stone circa Casino vibe and I can say with the utmost assurance that anyone who calls a man “daddy” a million times, in a sexy voice is probably a money-hungry psychopath. Which she definitely is. Love her for that .

5. Leo (again)

I watched an interview on Ellen and he claimed that It's the last movie he has planned for awhile so even more reason to go see it.

Hot yoga?

This morning, I met up with a friend at "its a grind" which is a great place, if you're 22 going on 40.  Right when I saw her I noticed that she was glowing. Like her skin was literally radiating light. Not only that, but she was also getting checked out by every single guy who walked by us, and she seemed freakishly centered and happy, which is insane for someone who had just ordered coffee with 12 Splendas, a cake pop, and a bagel with cream cheese and jam. When I demanded to know what the hell was going on with her, she gave me this devious smile like she had just started her period, after a pregnancy scare.

Soon after interrogating her and not getting any answers We started arguing. I called her toxic, she called me Amanda Bynes, and I was about to lose my shit on her until she finally owned up to why she was in such an annoying good place! Her answer was that she’d just came from "hot yoga" and that it had completely changed her life/skin. I had no idea what the fuck she was talking about, the only yoga I've ever experienced is from a Julian michaels DVD I got on sale on Black Friday or at la fitness when I don't feel like sweating (which is always). I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I've never heard of such a thing, instead I told her that I watched an episode of dr. Oz and he said  that doing too much of that can make your hair fall out and lead you to stubborn belly fat. after our dramatic coffee date I went to go sit in my mercury coug to do some Googling. Turns out Hot yoga stands for “doing simple yoga poses in a room that's a million degrees" so if you're comfortable with sweating in front of a bunch of other human beings, which I am not. Then you'll love this. Or else I suggest seeing Teresa, who is this super zen yoga teacher at la fitness that always speaks to me in inspirational Pinterest quotes. Namaste.